Why would you ever do that? Man, you sure are having some weird thoughts today!

Instead, you feed your Squirtle some of your churro. That is a much more sensible thing to do as far as eating things is concerned. Unfortunately, Squirtle gets a little overzealous and scoffs the rest of your churro. What gives, man! You were gonna eat that.

He doesn’t even look a little bit sorry.

You decide to find someone interesting to talk to instead. You also think about getting another churro. You’re in luck, because the most interesting person around to talk to happens to be the dude with the churro stand.

KEITH: Hey mister!
CHURRO MERCHANT: What do you want, kid?
KEITH: Do you have more churros??
CHURRO MERCHANT: You sure your mom wants you eating that much junk?
KEITH: My moms aren’t even here! They can’t tell me what to do! I want another churro!
CHURRO MERCHANT: You got another dollar?
KEITH: I got another quarter!
CHURRO MERCHANT: Get lost, kid.
KEITH: No!
CHURRO MERCHANT: I’m not selling you a churro for a quarter!
KEITH: I want a churro!
CHURRO MERCHANT: Seriously, kid, scram! You’re scaring away everyone else.
KEITH: NO
CHURRO MERCHANT: If I give you a churro, will you leave and stop all that shouting?
KEITH: YES
CHURRO MERCHANT: Okay! Jeez, here. Take it. Now get lost! I mean it this time!!

Success.

You attempt to pick up your Squirtle and wear him like a hat. He does not seem to appreciate that.

What a weird thing to do! You don’t know why you would try to do that. You hate hats, and so does your Squirtle. Your moms tried to make you wear hats for a while. They don’t anymore.

Better find something else to do.

> Keith: Try to eat Squirtle.

You and Squirtle do your very favorite dance, the chicken dance! You do this every morning together when you get out of bed. It’s the perfect way to start off your day.

It doesn’t last very long, though, and now you are bored again. And also a little bit sweatier. Man, when did it get so hot out? You have only just noticed. Time to put on your totally sweet goggles, because the sun is kind of making your eyes hurt.

Now you look at least 80% cooler, but you are still bored.

> Keith: Wear Squirtle like a hat.

You are now Keith. You are standing outside the gym, having lost interest in whatever it was Nicole was doing the minute you stepped out of the car, and are holding a fresh churro in one hand that you bought off a dude in a food truck. You and your Squirtle are just chilling out, being bros, enjoying the blinding summer sun. It’s a good day to be you.

Nicole seems pretty preoccupied with whatever it is she’s doing in there, and although you are now in possession of a tasty churro, you are also kind of bored. All the stuff around here is boring grown-up clothes stores and fancy food places you definitely can’t afford with the money you just blew on this churro. You contemplate your options.

> Readers: Submit suggestions.
(That’s all, folks! Thanks for your submissions!)

> Keith: Dance like a chicken.

NICOLE: Aw, come on! This is so lame!! Dimwatt, I order you to Thunderbolt that thing into oblivion!
ANDY: I don’t know what’s worse here, the nickname you seem to have given to your Pokémon or the fact that you apparently still can’t grasp type advantages…
NICOLE: Come on! I don’t get what’s wrong with him! Why won’t he use his attacks??
ANDY: I…don’t think he can…
NICOLE: That’s ridiculous! He’s an electric type Pokémon, he should be able to use electric attacks!!

Your Raichu turns away from the battle, chittering loudly at you and waving his stubby little paws about frantically. He looks angry — or frustrated? Whatever! All you know is that this strategy isn’t getting you anywhere. You’re going to have to look into this electric attack nonsense later, but for now, you’ve got a battle to win!

Who cares if he can’t use his electric attacks? Plus, the trainer keeps going about type advantages. This battle isn’t over yet. You can do it! You can beat this chump and take that badge! It’s time to rely on something a little more old-fashioned — good old Pokémon fisticuffs!

NICOLE: Hey! Dimwatt!! This battle isn’t over yet. Attack that two-bit tunnel digger with a Mega Ki —
ANDY: Resetti, Earthquake!

It happens so fast. One second your Raichu is standing there, ready to deliver what would probably have been the most radical kick to the face anyone in this gym has ever seen, and then BAM!! Suddenly he’s on the ground, looking like someone sucked the fight out of him with a swizzly straw.

WHAT GIVES?

NICOLE: I…lost??
ANDY: Do the words ‘type advantage’ just go right through you?
I swear, if I had a nickel for every trainer who comes in here…

You tune out the trainer who just pummeled your sorry chump butt into the brand-spankin’-new tile flooring. You lost!! And you didn’t think it was possible. Not to mention your Raichu is looking a little worse for the wear. You probably ought to get him patched up, and then reconsider your strategy. Maybe another Pokémon is in order. Maybe you can borrow Keith’s! He saw that massive wipeout. You’re sure he’ll lend you his Pokémon, because you’re his cool babysitter he gave an awful nickname to. Better tell him what’s up.

WHERE IS KEITH??

> Be Keith.

ANDY: Let’s keep it simple! One Pokémon each. The first trainer to forfeit the match loses!
NICOLE: Sounds good! I’ll try not to beat you too bad, sucker!!

ANDY: All right! I’ll send out my Sandslash! Come on, Resetti!
NICOLE: …Resetti?
Why would you name your Pokémon after the worst character in Animal Crossing!?
ANDY: I thought it was fitting… 
Hey! Now’s not the time! Pick your Pokémon!
NICOLE: There’s no way I’m gonna lose…with my Raichu!

Up until this point, your Pokémon has seemed kind of bored and unimpressed. But with the battle on, he looks pretty fired up! Or…zapped up? Whatever! He’s hopped in the ring and he looks ready for the fight. Aw man, this is so cool.

Andy, however, does not look impressed. He looks kind of…befuddled, actually.

ANDY: …A Raichu?
NICOLE: What’s that look for!?
ANDY: You do know about type advantages, don’t you?
NICOLE: Who cares about types?? My Raichu is amazing! There’s no way I’ll lose, even with a type disadvantage!
ANDY: Whatever you say…
NICOLE: Let’s get started! Thunderbolt!!
ANDY: Hey!! Weren’t you paying attention when I mentioned type advantages?!

Uh. What is going on?? Your Pokémon isn’t doing anything! He’s just hopping from foot to foot, waving his little arms in frustration. That is totally the opposite of attacking! You’ve heard about Pokémon refusing to obey their trainers sometimes. You wonder if this is one of those cases.

Or maybe it’s just stupid??

NICOLE: Hey! Are you listening to me?! I’m talking to you, dimwatt!
Don’t ignore me! I said attack already! Attack!!
ANDY: I think…there’s something wrong with your Pokémon…
NICOLE: What??

==>

You enter the gym. It’s…beautiful.

Well, about as beautiful as a bookstore-turned-gym can get. Still, it’s a nice, open space with a classy new paint job. There are a couple of small battle arenas, presumably to accommodate multiple trainers at once. The high ceilings decorated with Navajo rugs give it a nice touch. The far back wall is decorated with an unnecessarily large Zia Sun emblem and then, rather redundantly hanging over it, a New Mexico flag. Definitely feels like a New Mexico gym to you!

It looks like all the trainers working here are wearing those Zia Sun t-shirts. Right now, you don’t see too many of them, and you can’t really tell who here is the head honcho. You figured the gym leader ought to stand out, with a different t-shirt or a name tag or a really fancy hat or something. But you see no such thing.

You decide to ask the nice-looking lady at the front desk.

NICOLE: Excuse me!! I want to challenge the gym. Which one is the gym leader?
SALLY: Oh! You want to challenge the gym, huh? What’s your name?
NICOLE: Nicole Vega. Where’s the gym leader??
SALLY: Okay, let me just write that down… How do you spell that?
NICOLE: What?
SALLY: Do you have a driver’s license or any other kind of ID on you?
NICOLE: What??
SALLY: We try to keep thorough records, you see. The League can be very picky about these kinds of things.
NICOLE: What???
SALLY: Could I get your height and weight, please?
NICOLE: I just want to get a badge! Just tell me where the gym leader is and let me fight him!!
???: I think I can help you with that.

You turn to see one of the gym trainers. You would say he’s kind of handsome, if you were into that kind of thing. But you are not. All you are into right now is beating up these TOTAL CHUMPS so you can get your badge, and then CAKE.

NICOLE: Who are you?
???: The name’s Andy. I’m a —
NICOLE: Are you the gym leader??
ANDY: Huh? No, I’m just a gym trainer. But I’m authorized to hand out badges, so —
NICOLE: No way! I want to fight the gym leader, not one of her chump change lackeys! Where’s the gym leader?
ANDY: Don’t you realize how hard it is to get this kind of job…?
She’s out to lunch right now. So unless you want to wait another hour, you’re better off battling me. Like I said, if you beat me, you get the badge, so what’s the problem?
NICOLE: An hour?? Ugh!! I don’t have that kind of time! There’s cake waiting for me at home!
Okay, FINE! I’ll battle you. But don’t make it easy! You better use your strongest Pokémon!

> BATTLE START

You have finally wrangled Keith into a seatbelt and convinced your Raichu he wants to get in the car with you. This was not an easy feat. Now you are driving with only the kind of determination a spurned sixteen-year-old can muster, tearing up the Albuquerque streets something fierce. All bets are off. Anything could happen.

…Except for parking tickets. Your dad would kill you.

KEITH: I want to sit in the front seat!
NICOLE: Don’t be stupid! You’re too little!
KEITH: You’re stupid!
NICOLE: Just keep quiet! I’m trying to drive!!
KEITH: Where are we going?
NICOLE: I told you! We’re going to the gym so I can get a badge! If you’re good, I’ll let you fight the gym leader too. You have a Pokémon, don’t you?
KEITH: I don’t want a badge! I want ice cream!
NICOLE: Fine! Then you get ice cream!
KEITH: yesssssss

Finally, the gym comes into sight, looming ahead. The new gym of New Mexico inhabits what used to be the uptown Borders, which has been closed ever since last year. Funny, you thought it’d be a little more…swanky. The building is nice, sure — everything in uptown is nice! — but…you thought they’d at least have replaced the sign for the grand opening. The old backlit Borders sign is still there, for sure. All they did was hang an ill-designed banner over it, which read:

NEW MEXICO POKÉMON GYM: GRAND OPENIGN!!

You feel like someone at city hall surely ought to have caught that typo.

But who cares! You’re here! You’re so excited you can hardly contain it. You are in fact so excited that it almost makes up for your Raichu’s apparent lack of interest. Whatever. You’re sure he’ll get excited once he realizes it’s BATTLIN’ TIME. Because that’s what Pokémon like to do, right? Yeah, your Raichu seems like the fightin’ type — figuratively speaking. Your dad wouldn’t have gotten you a Pokémon that didn’t like to battle!

You glance at Keith in the rearview mirror and wonder if it’s okay to lock him in the car while you battle. Would he overheat and die? Was that only a thing babies did? You can’t remember. What do you know about babies??

You figure that perhaps it is best to take him in with you, just in case. It is pretty hot outside, and you wouldn’t want to disappoint Keith’s dapper moms.

> Nicole: Enter gym.

You begin to voice your protest.

JANET: Great! I knew you’d understand! Here’s $50 for the trouble. You’re a lifesaver, Nicole. Thank you so much!
Be good, Keith! Mommies will be back to get you by dinner!

Curses! Foiled again by one of Keith’s dapper moms. And now you’re stuck with Keith.

God, do you hate Keith. He has been a constant sore in your side since you moved into this house. You wouldn’t even be babysitting him anymore if it were for the fact that you really look up to his moms. They also pay you to.

Just look at him! That horribly vacant smile, that stupid face, those obnoxious little teeth…you just know that somewhere in his vapid, dumb-haired head he’s plotting new and exciting ways to annoy you to death.

KEITH: Hi, Coleslaw!

YOU SWEAR YOU ARE GOING TO STRANGLE HIM.

Unfortunately, you’re stuck with him for the remainder of the day. You attempt to lay down some ground rules.

NICOLE: Okay, Keith. Here’s how this is going to work: we’re going to the gym up in the heights so I can win that badge because it’s my birthday, and I just got this awesome new Pokémon and I want to battle him against that chump leader. And then we’re going to come back here and you’re going to watch cartoons until your moms come back, and I’m going to eat my birthday cake. And you’re going to keep your trap shut the whole time and not cause any trouble! So no wandering off, no talking to strangers, and stop calling me Coleslaw!!
You got that?!

KEITH: What?

NICOLE: Just get in the car!

==>

You dash upstairs to answer the door. Your shiny new Poké-buddy follows after you.

It’s one of the neighbor kid’s moms. She probably came just to wish you a happy birthday! How nice. Keith might be a total weirdo, but his moms are pretty cool. You kind of look up to them.

JANET: Nicole! Happy birthday!
NICOLE: Thanks, Mrs. O’Keefe!
JANET: Oh, and who’s this here? Is this your new Pokémon?
NICOLE: Yeah! He’s a Raichu! Pretty cool, huh?
JANET: My, how special!
Well, I’m glad you answered the door. You’re just who I’m looking for!
NICOLE: ??
JANET: I hate to do this to you on your birthday, but Lynn and I were called to an emergency PTO meeting. Do you think you could watch Keith for the afternoon until we can get back? I know this is such short notice, but you’re the only one we can ask in a pinch!
He’s very good today, too. I’m sure he won’t cause you any trouble. Maybe you can take him to the park and help him burn some energy off! You know he loves that. Besides, he was saying how he wanted to come over and wish you a happy birthday himself!

Wish you a happy birthday?? Yeah right! He probably just wants to get his grubby little hands all over your cake. It’s your birthday! You can’t babysit today. You’re sure Mrs. O’Keefe will understand.

> Nicole: Voice protest.