That’s it. You’re gonna do it. You’re gonna ring the bell. You are gonna ring the heck out of this bell.

???: Oh, hello there! How can I help you?

Drat!! She scared the heck out of you with that ninja turn number she just did there. When did she suddenly unbusy herself?! No matter. You are a girl and you are on a mission and there is not anything clever that makes that alliterate that you can think of off the top of your head. Whatever!! You have business to attend to.

NICOLE: YES! HI!! My Pokémon got hurt in a battle! And I wanted to make sure he was okay!!

RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Well, there’s no need to shout! Do you have your insurance card?

NICOLE: My what??? This isn’t a people hospital!!

RECEPTIONIST: Pokémon need insurance too, you know! What, did you think we just do this for free?

NICOLE: I! Um!!

You hadn’t even thought of that.

NICOLE: Hahahaha!! Of course not!!
But…I don’t have an insurance card. Does that mean you can’t look at my Raichu?

RECEPTIONIST: Well…no. It’ll just cost more.

NICOLE: Oh. Is that it? I don’t care, I just want to get my Pokémon fixed up!

RECEPTIONIST: Okay, okay! Let’s just see your Pokémon’s capture ball…and we’ll need you to fill out these forms.

You hand the capture ball over to the receptionist and go sit down to fill out all this nasty paperwork. You are pretty certain you’ve never seen a form for pet care with so many weird fields before, and honestly, you aren’t sure if it’s because this place is trying to be kitschy or what. Either way, you don’t think it is entirely necessary that the medical professionals here know what your Raichu’s favorite show tune is. You are not even certain if he likes musical theatre.

When you hand back the medical forms to the receptionist, she politely instructs you to sit and wait until your Pokémon’s check-up is done. Man, you hate waiting. Good thing you have a brand new album by your favorite band, the beautiful unit., to listen to while you wait!!

Man, this sure is taking forever. You wonder if maybe you should have let Keith out of the car.

But after a truly agonizing thirty whole minutes, the receptionist returns with your Pokémon, and he looks…pretty good, actually. You are pretty sure he was passed out less than an hour ago.

RECEPTIONIST: Looks like we’re all set! The doctor says your Raichu’s all right, but he should take it easy for a day or two. No strenuous activities, and certainly no serious battling until he gets all of his strength back!

NICOLE: Uh… That was fast. What do you even do here?

RECEPTIONIST: Anyway, since you don’t have insurance, that’ll come to three hundred dollars for the walk-in.

NICOLE: Hey, you didn’t answer my — three hundred dollars?? You didn’t even do anything!!

RECEPTIONIST: But of course we did! And you did sign a document saying you’d pay any charges for services rendered. I could send you a bill if you like, of course, but if you don’t pay it in a timely fashion it’ll just go to collections.

Dog’s breath!! You didn’t think it’d cost that much. And you certainly can’t let them send that bill back to your house. Your mom would never let you hear the end of it. But three hundred dollars?? That’s more than you make in a month babysitting!

It’s a good thing you have your dad’s credit card, then. You have it for emergencies only, but…you’re pretty sure this counts as an emergency. Besides, you totally have other stuff to do today!! You don’t have time to waffle around and not use this credit card.

You were right — this Express Vet isn’t very crowded. There isn’t even anyone waiting at the front desk! It is your lucky day.

Hm. The receptionist doesn’t seem to notice you’re standing there, waiting to be serviced. Of course, that’s what the bell seems to be for — but would it be rude to ring the bell when someone is right there? Maybe if you just stand here for a minute she’ll notice you. Maybe if you just look at her…really…intently…

Fiddlesticks! She doesn’t notice you at all. You look at the bell, and then back to the receptionist. Does she really not notice you when you are literally two feet away? Is she waiting for you to ring the bell? Is that how this sort of thing goes? Does everyone just ignore you until the chime of the bell sounds, willing you into existence in their perceptual reality? How many times are you supposed to ring the bell? Once? Twice? Just smash your palm into it like a rabid, frothing Aipom until someone notices you??

You have no idea what to do.

> Nicole: Ring the bell.

You manage to wrangle Keith back into the car, and you swear it’s only by sheer force of good luck that he doesn’t strangle himself with the seatbelt. Unfortunately, he’s also getting everything covered in sticky churro dust. Your dad is not going to like that. You don’t like it. Who even has to deal with this on their birthday??

It’s a lot easier to get your Raichu into the car, but that’s on account of him being unconscious and back in his capture ball. Man, you have got to get him back in shape! You’ve got Pokémon battles to fight and badges to win. But first, you need him to help you catch a Pokémon that isn’t so lame against that chump’s Sandslash.

Luckily for you, there is an Express Vet not too far from here! The newly opened gym is probably getting them a lot of business lately. There are lots of places like these in areas with lots of trainers, catering to the needs of the community, and lucky for you this place doesn’t look too crowded! Good, because you are on a schedule. You need to get your Raichu up and running again and beat that gym so you can be home in time for cake! And then you can foist Keith back onto his dapper moms and have yourself the birthday you set out to in the first place.

KEITH: Hey! Where are you going??

NICOLE: I’m just taking in my Raichu for a quick fix-up! You wait out here. If I take you inside you’ll just run all over the place and I’ll have to keep an eye on you!

KEITH: But it’s hot out here! It’s like a billion degrees!

NICOLE: Don’t be a baby, Keith!! It’s only 95 degrees.

KEITH: Don’t leave me and Squirtle here! Coleslaw!!

NICOLE: I cracked the window for you! You’ll be fine!

==>

You’re gonna enjoy the HECK out of this churro.

???: KEITH!!

Except someone is shouting at you and being totally distracting. Man, what’s the deal? It’s like no one wants you to get up on this churro business uninterrupted today.

You turn and see none other than Nicole, running toward you and looking a little out of breath. She looks like she’s got her feathers pretty rustled! That is, if she had feathers. She is pretty feather-free right now. Which is good, because it’d be pretty weird if she had feathers.

NICOLE: Keith! What did I say about wandering off?!

KEITH: …

NICOLE: Hey! I’m talking to you!!

KEITH: But you didn’t say anything about that!

NICOLE: But I — ugh! Keith! I told you to be good!

KEITH: I’ve been good! All I did was eat some churros and dance with Squirtle.

NICOLE: …Don’t run off anymore, okay?! Your moms would be pretty mad at me if I actually lost you! And — don’t touch me with your churro hands! You’re all sticky.
Come on, we’re leaving. 

KEITH: Are we gonna get ice cream now?

NICOLE: Ice cream? You have a churro!

KEITH: But you promised me ice cream!

NICOLE: Ugh — we can get ice cream later! We’re gonna go catch some Pokémon. But first we need to get my Raichu fixed up. And then we’re gonna come back and I’m gonna fight the real gym leader until I get my badge!

Nicole looks pretty fired up. She grabs you firmly by the wrist and drags you back to the car, with no regard for whether or not you’re done eating this churro. Honestly, some people.

> Nicole: Find somewhere to fix up your Raichu.

Why would you ever do that? Man, you sure are having some weird thoughts today!

Instead, you feed your Squirtle some of your churro. That is a much more sensible thing to do as far as eating things is concerned. Unfortunately, Squirtle gets a little overzealous and scoffs the rest of your churro. What gives, man! You were gonna eat that.

He doesn’t even look a little bit sorry.

You decide to find someone interesting to talk to instead. You also think about getting another churro. You’re in luck, because the most interesting person around to talk to happens to be the dude with the churro stand.

KEITH: Hey mister!
CHURRO MERCHANT: What do you want, kid?
KEITH: Do you have more churros??
CHURRO MERCHANT: You sure your mom wants you eating that much junk?
KEITH: My moms aren’t even here! They can’t tell me what to do! I want another churro!
CHURRO MERCHANT: You got another dollar?
KEITH: I got another quarter!
CHURRO MERCHANT: Get lost, kid.
KEITH: No!
CHURRO MERCHANT: I’m not selling you a churro for a quarter!
KEITH: I want a churro!
CHURRO MERCHANT: Seriously, kid, scram! You’re scaring away everyone else.
KEITH: NO
CHURRO MERCHANT: If I give you a churro, will you leave and stop all that shouting?
KEITH: YES
CHURRO MERCHANT: Okay! Jeez, here. Take it. Now get lost! I mean it this time!!

Success.

> Keith: Enjoy your churro.

You attempt to pick up your Squirtle and wear him like a hat. He does not seem to appreciate that.

What a weird thing to do! You don’t know why you would try to do that. You hate hats, and so does your Squirtle. Your moms tried to make you wear hats for a while. They don’t anymore.

Better find something else to do.

> Keith: Try to eat Squirtle.

You and Squirtle do your very favorite dance, the chicken dance! You do this every morning together when you get out of bed. It’s the perfect way to start off your day.

It doesn’t last very long, though, and now you are bored again. And also a little bit sweatier. Man, when did it get so hot out? You have only just noticed. Time to put on your totally sweet goggles, because the sun is kind of making your eyes hurt.

Now you look at least 80% cooler, but you are still bored.

> Keith: Wear Squirtle like a hat.

You are now Keith. You are standing outside the gym, having lost interest in whatever it was Nicole was doing the minute you stepped out of the car, and are holding a fresh churro in one hand that you bought off a dude in a food truck. You and your Squirtle are just chilling out, being bros, enjoying the blinding summer sun. It’s a good day to be you.

Nicole seems pretty preoccupied with whatever it is she’s doing in there, and although you are now in possession of a tasty churro, you are also kind of bored. All the stuff around here is boring grown-up clothes stores and fancy food places you definitely can’t afford with the money you just blew on this churro. You contemplate your options.

> Readers: Submit suggestions.
(That’s all, folks! Thanks for your submissions!)

> Keith: Dance like a chicken.

NICOLE: Aw, come on! This is so lame!! Dimwatt, I order you to Thunderbolt that thing into oblivion!
ANDY: I don’t know what’s worse here, the nickname you seem to have given to your Pokémon or the fact that you apparently still can’t grasp type advantages…
NICOLE: Come on! I don’t get what’s wrong with him! Why won’t he use his attacks??
ANDY: I…don’t think he can…
NICOLE: That’s ridiculous! He’s an electric type Pokémon, he should be able to use electric attacks!!

Your Raichu turns away from the battle, chittering loudly at you and waving his stubby little paws about frantically. He looks angry — or frustrated? Whatever! All you know is that this strategy isn’t getting you anywhere. You’re going to have to look into this electric attack nonsense later, but for now, you’ve got a battle to win!

Who cares if he can’t use his electric attacks? Plus, the trainer keeps going about type advantages. This battle isn’t over yet. You can do it! You can beat this chump and take that badge! It’s time to rely on something a little more old-fashioned — good old Pokémon fisticuffs!

NICOLE: Hey! Dimwatt!! This battle isn’t over yet. Attack that two-bit tunnel digger with a Mega Ki —
ANDY: Resetti, Earthquake!

It happens so fast. One second your Raichu is standing there, ready to deliver what would probably have been the most radical kick to the face anyone in this gym has ever seen, and then BAM!! Suddenly he’s on the ground, looking like someone sucked the fight out of him with a swizzly straw.

WHAT GIVES?

NICOLE: I…lost??
ANDY: Do the words ‘type advantage’ just go right through you?
I swear, if I had a nickel for every trainer who comes in here…

You tune out the trainer who just pummeled your sorry chump butt into the brand-spankin’-new tile flooring. You lost!! And you didn’t think it was possible. Not to mention your Raichu is looking a little worse for the wear. You probably ought to get him patched up, and then reconsider your strategy. Maybe another Pokémon is in order. Maybe you can borrow Keith’s! He saw that massive wipeout. You’re sure he’ll lend you his Pokémon, because you’re his cool babysitter he gave an awful nickname to. Better tell him what’s up.

WHERE IS KEITH??

> Be Keith.

ANDY: Let’s keep it simple! One Pokémon each. The first trainer to forfeit the match loses!
NICOLE: Sounds good! I’ll try not to beat you too bad, sucker!!

ANDY: All right! I’ll send out my Sandslash! Come on, Resetti!
NICOLE: …Resetti?
Why would you name your Pokémon after the worst character in Animal Crossing!?
ANDY: I thought it was fitting… 
Hey! Now’s not the time! Pick your Pokémon!
NICOLE: There’s no way I’m gonna lose…with my Raichu!

Up until this point, your Pokémon has seemed kind of bored and unimpressed. But with the battle on, he looks pretty fired up! Or…zapped up? Whatever! He’s hopped in the ring and he looks ready for the fight. Aw man, this is so cool.

Andy, however, does not look impressed. He looks kind of…befuddled, actually.

ANDY: …A Raichu?
NICOLE: What’s that look for!?
ANDY: You do know about type advantages, don’t you?
NICOLE: Who cares about types?? My Raichu is amazing! There’s no way I’ll lose, even with a type disadvantage!
ANDY: Whatever you say…
NICOLE: Let’s get started! Thunderbolt!!
ANDY: Hey!! Weren’t you paying attention when I mentioned type advantages?!

Uh. What is going on?? Your Pokémon isn’t doing anything! He’s just hopping from foot to foot, waving his little arms in frustration. That is totally the opposite of attacking! You’ve heard about Pokémon refusing to obey their trainers sometimes. You wonder if this is one of those cases.

Or maybe it’s just stupid??

NICOLE: Hey! Are you listening to me?! I’m talking to you, dimwatt!
Don’t ignore me! I said attack already! Attack!!
ANDY: I think…there’s something wrong with your Pokémon…
NICOLE: What??

==>